Junior Dare
CONSCIOUSNESS IS HARNESSED TO FLESH IS HARNESSED TO COMFORTABLE PAJAMA BOTTOMS
"life is a naked battle between fear and desire,
fear is kept in abeyance only through the recurrent surge of desire
desire is whetted only if it is reinforced by the capacity to experience oneself
the capacity to experience oneself is everything"
-Vivian Gornick, who feels empowered by having been
a total virgin for most of college
over weak black tea i wearily pronounce
and what exactly i enunciated is emphatically
unimportant
lets focus on the comprehensive wound
this mange of torpor, the boring iterative
terror of waking up
i like that Snoop Dogg bragged about wearing his own clothes
to a certified 2 million people
i drop my boxers in front of a full length mirror
like its cold, my sweaty nightmare ass having done its best
to create conditions that are rapidly proceeding to clammy
after the hospital i can see both hip bones, iliac crests caught
in a tight hammock of circus skin
clowning me as is tradition.
i chimp a shirt up with my left foot and verso birth
my head through the headhole's lack,
cock
down my right ear towards my molehill humorous
acne shoulder globe,
wonder does this garment demand substantial love
does it help me fulfill the acme preconditions
to cease waiting for someone else to save me
so someone else can actually save me
i fink the strike against nudity and wiggle my dingus against
every unchosen solitude
severe, arrhythmic glances at the dasypygal dale
nestled between my unimpressive pitcher's mound
a steepness has always been lacking
leading
to a lifetime of collecting instead of experiencing language
like dasypygal
Joyelle says each pun is a revolutionary syllable -- oh boy / mmm gurl
toot
the militant sibilance of shower thoughts
dreams that amount to little
more than being the kinda dasypyguy who looks upon his disintegration
&& depersonalizes to kidding
i find my morning pill in the back pocket of skinny jeans
and pop it with the blinds drawn. I pop a zit on my ballsack with my eyes closed
against the unusual pain
but it looked like herpes;
i can't allow that sort of confusion
i'm too plagued already
i was once a child of oranges
now a singular fruit barreling
towards the sexy jaundice suggested by
amphetamine capitalism and direct deposit
alienation. Pharmaceuticals and pornography
and the witchcraft of liking yr socks too much --
cast a new day towards broken promising
or the potential for a little fishing for laughter or danger vocabs
respiting brief manumission
do i look cute in freedoms
free as in lunch,
free as in balls, free as in
healthcare, free as in
formation, free as in Chelsea
and Marie
and Leonard
and Tupac's Dad
and all political prisoners I mean it
crack my fingers, extend the reflexive, assent
to the cardigan of total submission
dry | desperate | self-aware | frugal
for the nourishment of the certain
presentation and reply
DARN THE FLOW OF SYMPATHY TO HECK TELL MY PEOPLE IT AND I AM OKAY
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOUNG AND OLD ALREADY USED ALL MY CHANCES
THE WELL WISHES DIRECTED AT MY THIRST WERE KIND OF YOU THOUGH
NO NO JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE SPACE FOR MY LABORS SNAP A FEW
PITY NUDES MAYBE INVITE ME OUT TO DINNER W/ THE EXPLICIT
OFFER TO PICK UP THE CHECK, STILL GOOD @ CONVERSATION
AFTER ALL; WE’LL PRETEND I DID IT FOR THE STORIES
LAUGH INSTEAD OF GRIMACE, SECONDS ON THE
COMPLIMENTARY BREADBASKET.
AT NIGHT, PLEASE KNOW I TRIED
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Image Description: Screenshot reads, in black and white text,
"THE HYENA
"There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby ; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of small disaster, peril of life and limb; all these and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker."]
~~~~~~~~~~~~
its hard to continue to exist
w/ a bang
the sun goes down on the solar city, an élan dusk
my syllabary still electric, charged by a thrill chase sighed away from
sybaritic afternoons snapped at the joint, passed well but
ash it to ashes, as they say
i considered loving you an infinite monostich so this but is a handful:
you’ve cleaved yr youthful curls, presented me the weak compassion of phase dismissal
bilious dark humor caught in my throat; this again?
& without the curse or closure of a good crisp fuck
its little comfort but familiar all the same: i am at home in my disrespectful giggle
remembering your threats, voluminous and clear,
escaping the cultural dab, drying on the corners of your mouth
a little in your hair
the greatest terror is the easy friendship
of the arbitrary and the constant
i make my best jokes when i’m feeling real shy
choking on the ease of narrative and cowardice
FACETIME ME CRICKET SOUNDS, ST. ELIZABETH CENSORS YOUTUBE
LET YR FRIENDS SLEEP, LET YR LOVERS SLEEP
W/OUT WORRY AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
“It's Mr. Pistol Popper screaming, "Fuck a copper"
All this talk of Illuminati ain't got a clue about me
Bitch I'm Trillmaluminati and got my crew behind me”
-Rakim Mayers, fluent in Classic New York formalism
but worried it’s a dying language
I.
Long-Term Evolution data communications are standard
so i circumvent authority sleep w/ earbuds
and mixtape lullabies
in early morning, an elderly man collapses
through the curtains his blood
is on me. i’m trying to be a good host
shh it’s ok it’s ok
my neighbor pisses and the air
becomes thick with it. i am reminded
of Cape Cod in the summer, scared
of every sunset
I get an X
-ray daily
for a week
shit myself doing my taxes today
the bathroom was occupied and my
body w/ organs went full insurrection
i cannot tell my story w/out making a state
-ment, thanks Obamacare. there is
another elderly man across the hallway
he is confused he is crying out
my chair my chair is broken
but there is no chair
he is in a bed he begins to weep
why are you ignoring me
why did you break my chair
won’t somebody help me
can you hear me can you hear me
please anyone please say something
the nurses apologize to me
its just a little confusion
there is nothing to be done
do you still have music
when the nice round woman w/ barely any hair
left to be grey makes port in our hospital room
the elderly man is only bruised, no longer
bleeding. she is drinking sweet tea he is
beaming w/ pride.
i used to say she was my better half
his bed alarm triggers he shouts fierce against the wailing
I AM A LIAR
his whole body is shaking w/ love and Parkinson’s
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A
SMALLER FRACTION
he has nightmares when she leaves // asks if i am her // pisses again
everyone here
likes that i
am young
no one likes to ask why // i haven’t left yet
II.
the doctors have stopped seeing me they fax
in their orders which i inevitably swallow
for the promise of more yellow Jell-O
the doctors pull the curtains to meet
w/ the man who pisses and bleeds
ask him questions as if i cannot hear
what is wrong why do you keep falling
they venom to his clucking laughter
i’m finding that i’m not as good as i used to be
at walking a straight line
when weak i am enamored of understatement // the curtain is drawn back // i smell him
begin to shit // while he smiles
i finally leave, promise a follow-up
sign papers that urge a lifetime of tests
III.
after i vomit a lecture on the virgule i trim
for the new doctor he says we both
have nice beards and touches me
the gruffer the voice the rougher the hands
is folk wisdom i jot down for the future
i want grandeverythings to think of me sagely
there is a brief, fraught silence
in the doctor’s office punctuated
by a secretary laughing + turning up
the volume on “Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga
loving you is cherry pie
doctor says i should reintroduce solids // ahead of schedule
also says
do you take selfies
also says
take a picture of yr bowel movement
also says
good joke about yr beach bod
but please actually get exercise
blueteeth by the erie
in the smokey nymph glens
woodbathe so fresh so
peripatetic so clean
get real fly in case
its my final springtime
the ekg finding is benign this month
the nurses are kind and hand me my headphones
walk me out the backdoor